The Gentlest
by barely5feet
Summary: Makotos smile wavers. He hesitates. There is something not right about him and Haru could never guess this gentle boy, this kind hearted, loving young man, his best friend who would never hurt anyone, could hurt himself - tw: self harm
1. Lunch

**This fic was inspired by a quote I saw online:**

_"It's sad to think. That the ones who self harm; Who cut; Bruise; Burn; Purge; Starve; Are the most gentle. Who would rather hurt themselves. Than anyone else."_

**Much love from your author,**

**~5**

**(Additional Archive Warning **: _T__his is not a romance. Self harm is not romantic, poetic, breathtaking or beautiful, and love will not cure mental illness. _HOWEVER. Self-harm affects more than the sufferer. Loved ones are deeply involved. While I do ship Makoharu that is not the fixation of my work. This is a journey of finding self-love, self-acceptance, and learning to rely on people. Makoto needs Haru to enter, even start _thinking_, about the world of recovery.)****

* * *

"Makoto…" Haruka broke the comfortable silence between them. Nagisa and Rei had vanished to fetch snacks leaving only the two in each others amiable presence.

"Huh?" Makoto's inquisitive sound came briefly before his head turned to the side to meet green eyes with blue. Surprisingly, his gaze was not returned. Haruka's eyes were instead peering down to Makoto's arm. His sleeve was rolled up and the countless days of swimming showed in his deep tan. Makoto knew with a jolt what Haruka was going to ask about. Despite what he knew was coming-

"What is it Haru?" He added a smile for good measures. Play it cool, he thought.

Haru finally meet his eyes, voice faint with an uncommon curiosity, "what happened to your arm? Is it okay?"

Makoto knew it. He gave a bashful laugh to cover his sudden panic and looked over his arm then Haru. "Ah, that, oh it's nothing! I was playing with this kitten the other day and she got really excited and her claw snagged me. It's fine!" Makoto pulled his arm back from where he was resting on it and sat up straight. . It wasn't fresh but it wasn't old either. The single line was perhaps a bit straight to have been from an unruly cat but otherwise fit the story with little reason to complain. The brunette shifted to fix his white sleeve back over the mark, suddenly stopped when the cold touch of Haruka pushed the cloth back again.

"Are you sure? Let me see, it looks-"

_No. Don't touch me._ Makoto tensed at the hand. Arm instinctively jerking back.

"Haru-chan! Mako-chan!"

Both were startled from their current predicament as the blonde came stumbling in, dropping multiple items at their feet and taking a seat next to Makoto. Rei followed behind Nagisa, filling the last gap of the circle with a sigh. With the brief moment of distraction Makoto quickly unrolled the fabric he had previously been deterred from over the wounded skin. If there was ever a time Makoto felt any ill feeling towards Haru it was then and there. The burning sensation of where he touched the injured wrist lingered uncomfortably.

"Here's your water Haru, and Rei that's yours... ah Mako! Here's yours."

"Thank you, Nagisa, but, didn't I ask for water?" Makoto's eyebrow quirked as the yellow carton of banana flavoured milk he was handed smiled back at him with images of a happy cow and a dancing fruit.

"Mhm! But Tachi-banana!"* The blonde giggled and he knew Makoto couldn't fight him on his sense of logic. Indeed he was correct, Makoto swallowed his exasperation without a problem, never one to anger easily. Lunch continued on for the other three almost as if nothing had happened. But Makoto felt otherwise.

His exterior progressed to have normal conversation, following whatever direction Nagisa decided to steer them today on their roof top meal. He smiled, he laughed, he pretended. Internally, Makoto was a frantic mess. The close call with Haru turned his dial up and things were blurring into a haze of guilt. Why had he decided to roll up his sleeves? He could feel them all staring, laughing at his pathetic attempt to hide the "cat-scratch". His hand repetitively found itself tugging down at his sleeve. Buttoning, unbuttoning, repeat, with the cuff. His anxiety was rising.

_Stupid._

It had only been two days but he had already forgotten about the one cut that he thought he could get away with that wasn't on his thigh. He was praying for winter to come and to ice all the swimming outlets possible. Then, his body would be his and no one could see what a helpless child he had been reduced to.

It was probably _because_ it was Haru he as around that he let himself get to the point of comfort where he exposed himself. This was still new to him, having to keep things away from Haru. He didn't like it the least bit. On the other hand, what could he do? It would only be a nuisance if he admitted his recent problem. It didn't matter what happened to him.

Makoto was already so needy and clingy, the growing list of annoying things he had about himself seemed to never end nowadays. Haru, Rei, and Nagisa would hate him if they ever knew the truth.

* * *

***Tachibanana: reference to lesfrites creation of the tachibanana's** **  
Basically a pun on his name *badum tsk* and a reason to draw little Makoto's emerging from bananas.**

**Banana milk is really sweet! Don'** **t drink too much!**


	2. That Night

Everything hurt. There was an ache in his chest that felt like it was sucking the life out of everything he did. His mind wandered, the physical reality around him slipping away as thought mingled and swam around each other. He wasn't thinking of anything specific, and for the time being, he was content in not letting what was really on his mind take full focus.

He spooned the dinner from one edge of his plate to another, mashing the salmon into smaller chunks with the edge of his chopsticks. Makoto felt out of place at the lively Tachibana dinner.

"Mom, Dad, may I be excused? I have a lot of homework to do tonight so I want to get started as soon as I can." He thought his voice would be lost among the bickeringg of the twins.

"I can finish two bowls of rice in 3 minutes!"

"Yeah right prove it!"

"Nobody is proving anything you both have decent appetite. And sure thing dear, study hard!" His mom spoke over everything at ease. She gave him a small, sympathetic smile all the while strategically pulling the bowl of rice farther from Ren and Ran.

Makoto left the table, plate and utensils in hand, towards the sink. The cool water of the tap reminded him he would have to face the others as swim practice tomorrow. Should he really do this tonight? His eyes lingered past the sink into the small back balcony of their first floor. An aloe plant wavered in the cool evening wind. He thought of the soft waves of the school swimming pool. His friend giddy and laughing in it. Without him. They were all so happy without him. The water was already warm but he continued to let it heat as he again drifted.

"Makoto? The water's running. Don't be wasteful."

"Huh?" Makoto pulled himself out of a daze. His face flushed and he almost dropped his grip on the plate. Hurridly he scrubbed it clean. "Sorry, it was just really stuck on there, okay, goodnight then!" He tucked the clean dishes away on the drying rack and hurriedly brushed his hands dry on a towel before stepping into the hall.

Within seconds of shutting the door, a faint 'click' of the lock reassured the privacy he needed. He was itching to get this over with. He raided the bathroom, reaching past the highest shelf on his cupboard to the special box tucked in an out of sight corner. The only things the twins couldn't break into were items they didn't see or couldn't reach. Not that having razors would be strange for a male his age, but these... they were different

He had pulled them from an ordinary pencil sharpener. One that now was decommissioned as it really had no function other than a tub of plastic to hold shaving. The ordeal of releasing the blade from its plastic home was really too simple.

Stripping to just his boxers and the shirt he would sleep in, he slid to the floor and let his back lean against the side of his bed. If he were to do this, it could only be on his thigh. He couldn't risk letting someone see again. He knew he couldn't face Haru with that questioning look again. And he definitely knew most of all he couldn't lie to Haru again. Already the skin was tampered with wounds- old, new, and somewhere in between. His finger hovered over one, bright red and thin. Being from yesterday it hadn't even had time to properly heal. He pressed down on it lightly welcoming the dull throbbing sting it brought. But it was not enough. He had found out there was only one sensation that could quell his emptiness.

Blood beaded to the surface of the first shallow cut. The second followed suit, easier, he thought. A release of tension through destruction. Euphoria flooded his senses from head to toe.

If this is supposed to be punishment, why does it feel so good?

Twisted satisfaction turned sour as the memory of Haru reappeared. What if he knew, Haru always had that ability to perceive whatever Makoto was feeling through whatever he projected instead.

This one's for being so annoying. This one's for being so stupid. I am such a complete idiot. What a terrific friend I am... **They shouldn't have to put up with this.**

Makoto dropped his hand when he knew he had reached his limit.

A weight was lifted from his chest. He felt so alive! The thrill of his own mutilation was like a high. He looked at the back of his hand, a blue vein prominently displayed itself under his skin. He flipped his hand over to reveal his palm and the path of the singular cut on his forearm. By all means, it wasn't as deep as most of his cuts. For some reason, he hesitated. The skin on his arm somehow felt... more dangerous.

He was not someone who wanted to die. There were thing to do, his cycle of day to night, school to home, swim captain to older brother. It was tiring and sometimes seemed pointless but he knew at there were faces counting on him. If he do even one thing worthy of someone else's praise maybe that would be enough.

Makoto was living for other people at this point, not himself.

Wearily, he stood up, bottom half aching from sitting on the hard ground. He had probably been there a lot longer than he thought. Makoto moved deliberately back to his bathroom, overhead florescent light flickering as it turned on. He washed the silver quickly, placing it back in he box before hiding it back in it's corner with guilty hands. A foreign figure stared back at him in the mirror. Makoto instinctivley turned away from himself. He didn't need to look into a mirror to see the mess he looked like.

With delicate movements, he began wiping off his leg with a warm washcloth. However, the gentle solution of water was no force against the flare of red skin. It was clean, but the area still inflamed with an angry resistance to being injured. Exhausted, Makoto would just have to wash it again tomorrow and ward off any infection he might be presenting himself to. The peace he received from cutting transitioned into his bed and with a deep sigh, welcomed sleep like an old friend.

* * *

Haru sat alone in his room, stomach full from a dinner prepared alone and eaten alone. His phone lay abandoned on it's charger a few feet away by a pile of equally neglected text books. It was impossible to complete any homework like this- Makoto was on his mind. In all senses he trusted the teen with his life, but Haruka suddenly didn't know if that was being reciprocated. Makoto had flinched. Even if he does complain about how cold Haru's hands get or that he was ticklish or whatever. Makoto never flinched from his touch. For all the times he tried to convince himself it was nothing, that was a first in their relationship he had been unprepared to deal with. He hated the word doubt and Makoto in the same sentence.

Had he angered Makoto? Haru almost smiled at the idea. Makoto never got angry. Flustered and panicky, but not all out rage. And he didn't hold grudges, so nothing from their past bickering could be reason for a present problem. Things weren't broken, but he couldn't name what exactly was off about their situation. There was an explanation for everything, not even magic could cause Makoto to push himself away from his best friend. Haru crawled over to his phone, searching through the brightly lit contacts until he reached "R".

"Haruka-senpai? What's the matter? It's getting kind of late and I'm almost done with studying".

"Rei. Have you noticed anything different about Makoto these past few days?"

"Oh, not that I..." He paused and Haru imagined him pushing his red glasses back up the bridge of his nose with a thoughtful expression," well, he has been spacing out a lot."

"What do you mean?"

"Like yesterday, our Monday meeting is usually started off by Gou announcing what will happen that week-"

"It is?"

"Yes, you are usually in the pool by this point. Anyway, Gou-san was talking about an upcoming race and the fees and Makoto-senpai completely spaced out. He's usually so attentive when speaking with someone... I didn't think much of it then... is there something wrong with him? Are you guys fighting?" Rei couldn't imagine the two best friends ever fighting. Still it didn't hurt to ask. A call from Haruka-senpai was a rare event.

"We're not fighting," Haruka cleared the thought from Reis mind. "And... I don't know... It's probably nothing... thanks."

The dial tone beeped in Reis ear.


	3. An Eventful Evening Part 1

**Depression can be different for everyone. Some people overeat, some people have no appetite whatsoever. Makoto has been out of touch with the world and in this chapter bad eating habits are catching up to him.**

**Also, at this point, we get to see from Haruka's point of view as well as Mako's. If you are confused about the jump in narrator. The order is Makoto, Haruka, Makoto, Haruka. Each line break can be used to reference a narrator switch.**

**~5**

* * *

"Oi, oi! Space cadet Mako-chan back to Earth!~"

"Ow, Nagisa... my head..." Makoto whimpered the words and a pout crossed Nagisa lips for only a moment.

"Sorry," Nagisa still smiled but his features took on a soft apologetic look. "You know Mako-chan," the underclassmen crouched to a squat where he was eye level with Makoto. With a firm grip he snapped open the safety seal of the water he had fetched for the other boy, "If you feel ill, you should just go home."

Makoto took the water as it was handed to him, gratefully accepting a bountiful gulp. God, he really has been neglecting his health. Makoto attempted to recall what he had played with for lunch, fondly recalled skipping breakfast, and cutting short dinner... yeah these last 3 days were not what he would want his physician to see. The dry of his mouth was beginning to ebb away as he emptied the bottle to 1/4 it's original content. "Thanks but i'm not ill Nagisa, Rei and Kou took my temperature while you were gone. They said I was normal or something. 36.4?"

"Thirty-seven. 37 degrees Celsius is normal for the human body to be properly functioning, Makoto-senpai. Although yours wasn't bad," Rei butted in as he walked by, skin glistening from having just exited the pool. Nagisa raised a finger to his lips, gently signaling at Rei to STFU. Nagisa eventually bid him farewell, scampering off to time Rei on his improving 100m butterfly. Makoto glanced at the watch still on his wrist, never having changed out of his school uniform. He'd left the locker room soon after arriving to inform Amakata-sensei of his current condition. This upcoming meet they were training for was a minor one but they still needed the score to improve their current funding situation. He insisted he'd feel better after a short rest and some water.

5 more minutes he told himself.

"Naturally Makoto's eyes wandered to Haru. He could see him in the far lane, gliding as if he were simply a part of the pool. Usually, seeing that perked him up. Haru could be so beautiful when he swam. _Like a dolphin._ But now, nothing mattered. Makoto was finding it increasingly difficult to accomplish what used to be the most exciting of tasks, like swimming next to his friends. Makoto hated the emptiness that was taking up his life.

What was the point of anything.

3 minutes Makoto dreaded the thought of having to pull himself up from under the shade of sidelines.

At least he could change in peace. No one would be in there to survey the damage done to his body. Changing in the locker room proved difficult, but not impossible. Makoto never felt too proud of his newly mastered ability because along with it came the feeling of always being on guard. There was always the off chance someone would see or bump into him, that Nagisa could suddenly decide to compare his leg tan to the rest of the swim teams. Those few nude seconds were maddening.

Would they even care if he decided to swim or not? They looked like they were getting on just fine without him. Makoto didn't feel necessary.

_I should get changed._

* * *

Haru felt those green eyes watching him. Ever happy with their upturned eyebrows. Makoto watched him swim so often he felt there should be two holes bore into his back. Haru finished a lap of the pool, head bobbing barely above the water when he surfaced. Instinctively he reached out one hand, expecting Makotos outstretched fingers to be waiting. Open air returned the gesture. The other teen was where he had been the last 20 minutes relaxing because of a 'headache'.

Now it was Haruka who was watching Makoto as he strode away from the shade and closer to the door of the locker room. Heaving himself up onto the concrete Haruka followed a distance behind Makoto. Pausing for a second, Haruka gripped the handle of the door and silently slid himself in and closed the handle with an inaudible_ 'click'._ Hiding in the hallway that one had to turn in order to see the locker room, Haru hesitated on what he was going to say.

Why did he get out of the water without knowing exactly for what? Why was he so unsure about everything having to do with Makoto recently? Makoto would probably tell him he's fine and probably "scold" him for being dumb about worrying about Makoto. Haru peeked around the corner to find Makoto was facing the other way.

* * *

Makoto began stripping with ease. No one was here and he had all the privacy he needed. The spandex of his suit stretched over his calves first, his body slowing as he eased over the cuts on his right thigh.

"Fuck..."

Makoto cursed under his breath as he tore open one on his upper hip. That was definitely what he needed right now. Lucky for him the locker room had a bathroom freshly supplied with tissue to wipe up the trickling blood. After a blot of some disinfectant from the first aid kit and time to let the new blood slow, Makoto was ready to leave the locker room and join his friends.

"Woah!" Makoto grabbed the wall for dear life. His foot had slipped out from underneath him without any warning. "Water?"

Sure enough, a puddle of lukewarm water had formed in the hallway. Makoto knew it wasn't there when he entered.

* * *

What had Haru just seen? He couldn't believe his eyes. Makoto, his Makoto, the smiling swim captain he met in kindergarten and still called him Haru-chan. The Makoto who took in stray cats when it was raining because he was afraid they'd get sick. His Makoto who's heart was as big as his body. His Makoto who had mutilated his body beyond recognition. Before he had even attempted on confronting Makoto on if anything was wrong, the pieces of the puzzle fell painstakingly in place with that one stolen look behind Makotos back.

_No appetite, distant, not focusing..._

Haruka knew those symptoms. They tried to diagnose him with depression once. After beating Rin the first time he almost spiraled down the same path he just found Makoto to be going down. Time ceased, the world stopped spinning.

_This isn't supposed to happen to people like Makoto!_

Haruka pushed his way violently through the water. He fought the hands of the water he welcomed seconds ago unable to come to terms with the emotions churning in his stomach. If he stopped now there was the chance he wouldn't be able to stop whatever came bubbling up.

He pushed on for 2 more laps, legs giving out as he reached the wall. Physically he felt like he could go another hour. Mentally, his strength was depleted to zero.

Of course, Makoto's hand was there. His smile beamed down on him, he was acting as if nothing was wrong. That was just like Makoto. Haru grabbed the warm hand but it felt foreign. Did it even belong to the same boy he loved? Unconsciously his eyes zeroed on to the one cut on Makotos forearm. Was that story he told him true? Or had that been... self-inflicted?

Haru found himself out of breath, struggling to calm his pounding heart.

"Haru?-"

"I saw." The words blurted out. They weren't followed by a why or how, just stated.

Makoto looked unsure. He released Haru's hand which had began to grip his a bit too tightly. Their unspoken communication came into play. Haru didn't need to say anymore.

_Of course the puddle was him. He followed me. He saw, oh my god, he saw everything._

It felt like he was suffocating. The back of his throat tingled, and the air around him became electricity. He distanced himself. His eyebrows furrowed in frustration. His mouth fumbled for an excuse to give. Opening and closing, until-

"I-I have to go."


	4. An Eventful Evening Part 2

**I'm probably a masochist because writing this story is painful yet I keep doing it. **

**I tried to make this chapter as accurate as possible. Makoto seems like the type to push people away when things are troubling him so others don't get involved.**

* * *

"Makoto!" Haru impulsively shot forward to stop Makoto from fuming away.

"Forget it! "

"What? How could I-"

"I said leave me alone, Haruka!" Makoto sharply barked back. He pushed past Haru easily, roughly hitting him on the shoulder in haste.

The words bit right into Haru's heart. He felt like he was bleeding.

"Haru-chan?"

"Haruka-sempai?"

Raised voices had brought the underclassmen to the aid of their bewildered club-mate. Their faces dropped at the sight of him.

Haruka's silence was different this time. His blue eyes stared after Makoto but they had no life in them. There was so much to process and not enough time to do so. Makoto just kept getting farther and farther away when all he wanted to do was run and hold him close.

Haru's legs wouldn't obey.

Nagisa shook him out of his vegetative state with a firm slap to the right side of his face.

"-gisa?" He gasped.

"I'm sorry about that Haru-chan, but what is wrong. Why aren't you answering us? You look... you look like you've seen a ghost."*

Haru's eyes fell to the floor, palm touching the tender skin of his cheek. "It... it was Makoto. He's been..." The words refused to come out of his mouth. His eyes were prickling with unborn tears. He was forcing himself to hold it together. Makoto hadn't told Haru himself so he knew Rei and Nagisa would only know if he spilled the beans.

"He's been cutting himself." The words came out and so did all the air from his chest. It all sounded so unreal.

Rei started, "How do you-"

"I followed him to the locker room. He's been different so I thought something was bugging him. That's why I called you the other night. I never expected to see..."

Nagisa took Haru's shoulder trying to comfort him while he began to understand what was going on. Nagisa was never good with handling serious subjects. They made him uncomfortable and he a bad habit of letting his emotions come straight out.

The bubbly smile faltered despite his attempts to keep face. His voice was shaking, "Makoto... he didn't want us to worry. How could he be so stupid!"

Hot tears began rolling down the side of his face and the first salty drop reached his lips . Nagisa attempted to stop them, but once he started he just had to let himself cry it out. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry," he whimpered rubbing his eyes.

Rei pulled Nagisa to his chest, patting his blonde hair soothingly as the initial sobs turned to small hiccuping tears. Nagisa stayed there for a long while, hiding his puffy red eyes and finding solace in his Reis warmth.

"You're going to have to confront him, Haruka-senpai."

"I know, Rei."

* * *

Makoto stumbled to put on his clothes. His hands were shaking and tears were threatening to spill.

_Haru knows, he found me out. What am I supposed to say? _

His hands were trembling as he struggled to button his pants. Makoto could feel his heart fluttering. He had been so mean. Haruka hated him, he had every reason to hate him.

The pavement swam by in a rush of grey and black. He needed to get away from everything. He needed an escape, he needed release.

The house appeared before him, he had run the entire way. It was silent except for the echo of the door slamming behind him. Everyone in the house was gone for the day, father busy with work and mother supervising a class trip for the twins. He was perfectly alone.

What was the point of hiding it anymore? Caught in a rage of emotion, Makoto rolled up his sleeves and scratched at his arm.

He was so disappointing. He couldn't even handle emotions like a proper human being.

The scratches were turning red, inflaming themselves as he continued to tear at his skin.

_More!_

Things fell from the shelf with a clatter. Toothpaste, extra shampoo, he didn't care. He'd clean it up later when his head was done writhing in panic. He grabbed the razor and played with it between his fingers.

Maybe he'd regret it later but for now it was the only solution.


	5. Sunset (Goodbye, Sun)

**This chapter might be confusing so to clarify: The italics are thoughts. A first person view of what is going on on each , the first italicized chunk is Makoto's perspective and the second is Haru's perspective. I am not good at first person! Gomen. ****I struggled a lot to write this. I wasn't sure where I wanted to steer the story and this was the option I chose. Somehow it feels more like a filler chapter than an actual chapter. I did smuggled some ReiGisa in though if you're into that. Honestly bruh, I love cliffhangers.**

* * *

_It was a lot of things that drove me to this. Not one person or one specific event. I needed to feel alive. I was tired... I was just so tired of pretending like everything was okay. Everyday I would ask myself, "where am I going?", "why am I going?", and on really bad days, "if I were to dissapear, would the rest of the world keep spinning?"_

_When I stole my first blade from it's home in the sharpener I had this nagging sense I would regret the decision._

_I ignored it._

_The touch of the razor was passionate. It seared onto my skin like the hungry kiss of a lover. Pain meant I was alive. Pain meant I was still living. Cutting proved at the very least I existed._

_Back then I only cut when I felt like. I thought I could control it._

_Nagisa, Rei, and Haru never noticed. Did I want them to? Many times I would fight with the idea of coming clean to Haru, but I never did make up my mind. All I know is __I never meant to confess like this. I was hurting myself yet every cut on my body was suddenly transferred to him when I looked into his eyes. __I suffered in silence because seeing any of my beloved cry would hurt more than anything I could imagine. _

_Was Haru crying now? Haru has only cried a handful of times that I recall... am I... worth his tears?_

_Damnit._

* * *

"Rei."

Rei perked up at his name, looking down from the beauty of the passing trees to Nagisa. The smaller boy was leaning into the crook of Reis arm, head resting against his chest. Nagisa looked weaker than he thought possible, even the way he said his name a heart wrenching cry of sadness. The train ambled its way along their rout, occasional sounds of metal rattling their only company.

"Do you think Makoto knows we love him?" Nagisa was tentative and it made Rei uncomfortable how out-of-character he was. His dull eyes refused to meet Rei's.

"Nagisa... it's not your fault." Rei squeezed the shoulder his hand was placed on, pulling Nagisa closer. He knew where this was leading. Nagisa was beginning to put himself at fault. "Don't blame yourself, ever. I know perfectly well you show all of us your affection on a daily basis." His cheeks flushed lightly at how sentimental he was getting. Throwing embarrassment out the window, he continued. "He probably doesn't want the help, and most likely thinks he doesn't deserve it, depression does that, but we have to show him otherwise."

"You think it's depression?"

"I've studied a lot of psychology books on mental illness. The symptoms..." Rei stopped speaking and sighed. "We have to be there for him."

Nagisa nodded in agreements. "Always." They were silent again. Somewhere along the trip Nagisa dozed off and unlike usual, Rei coddled him gently.

* * *

_I should've seen it coming. I should've seen the signs. Now it's too late and I don't know if there's anything I can do about it._

_Rei and Nagisa went home out of my explicit orders. I promised them, more like Rei at the time, I would talk to Makoto. My hands are still shaking and there's no point in trying to stop them. Only Makoto could comfort me in a time like this and he is gone._

_His house is cold, not even a light bathing the sidewalk as I walk to the door. It's quite, too quite for a home belonging to the welcoming family I've known since kindergarten. Everyone must be gone. Except Makoto. I know he's here. This is the only place he would have gone. _

_I know am the last person he wants to see right now... but I have to try. Knocking once... twice... does he not hear me? Stop ignoring me Makoto! Despite the clear anger I am feeling my body is betraying me._

_Did tears always taste this salty?_

* * *

"Makoto! Makoto open the door!" Haruka was exhausted from knocking on the locked entrance and his voice was breaking. "Please, I just, I need to talk to you. I-"

Makoto raised his head from the bedroom wall as the noise downstairs stopped. Did Haru leave? His phone buzzed in his pocket and the message before him was read almost emotionless.

**From: Ryugazaki Rei**

**Received: 7:10 PM Today**

**Message: Please, Makoto-senpai. Just talk to Haruka-senpai. We only want to help.**

It was too late for help. His wrist was burning and blood stained napkins cluttered his floor. Even his fingers took up the metal stench. Large red gashes were haphazardly placed on his forearm, crude, but not deep enough.

In the end, Makoto was still too scared to end it.

_Maybe I do need help._

The words on the screen blurred and Makoto found himself crying. Furiously he tried to wipe them away. Another buzz sounded and he had to wait before his sight was clear enough to read the text.

**From: Haru-chan**

**Received: 7:18 PM Today**

**Message: I support you no matter what.**

This time when his vision failed, it wasn't because he was crying. Makoto blacked out and the rest of the world spinned on.

* * *

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	6. How Long Until Sunrise?

**I hope none of your little hearts exploded from last time! I'm going on vacation for a week so I decided I'll give you guys SOME rest before I leave -w-**

**This is all from Haruka's perspective since Makoto is a little... missing in action. I'll get back to him in the next chapter.**

* * *

Haru had not seen Makoto since that night.

Saying _that night _sounded very vague in his head. Not yesterday, two- maybe three days ago? Time was a blur of events that meant nothing anymore.

Sometimes he would sleep- never more than a few hours. Occasionally he would eat, picking at food he had no appetite for out of the nagging of Gou or Nagisa or Rei. They did their best to be there for the vice-captain but he only felt increasingly lonely. They were not who he wanted so desperately to see.

Haru always knew Makoto was a big part of his life. His earliest memories even involved the boy. Haruka would not be Haruka without Makoto by his side all these years. They grew and they changed but not without each other. Few people could say they have ever had a relationship on the level they did. It felt like his other half was missing.

However, he knew where that other half was. Makoto wasn't as literally lost as Haru felt.

Makoto was laying alive in a hospital a mere 2 miles away. He would know, he was the one who called the ambulance that rushed them there.

While his current condition was stable, the scene Haru rushed in on was the complete opposite.

* * *

_**"999 What's your emergency?"**  
_

_**"Makoto... He's bleeding. He's bleeding everywhere I-... Please wake up Makoto."**_

_**"Sir, calm down. Tell me, what's going on."**_

_**"Send help, please! My friend, he's cut his wrist and I don't know what to do."**_

* * *

"They're ready for you guys. Are you sure you don't want to go Haru?"

Haru refused the offer with a silent shake of the head.

Mrs. Tachibana nodded and let the subject be. Turning on her heel she faced the trio of students who also came to support their team mate. It was Sunday and they were ready to use their day off to be by the brunette side on his first day of visitation. Calmly she began to lay out the few rules the staff had placed on Makoto's visitors.

For a mother who recently got the news that her child almost killed himself, she was taking it extremely well. Shock, the doctors said. If shock meant not feeling everything brewing inside him right now then he counted Mrs. Tachibana as a lucky one.

Eventually her warm smile would face the same heart crushing reality Haru faced.

There had been blood. Blood everywhere. Makoto had bled through his white shirt and onto the sheets and Haru knew if he hadn't gone through the back door Makoto might have bled right onto the floor.

Makoto's face had been so peaceful when he crashed through the bedroom. Before it registered what was going on Haru thought Makoto was sleeping.

"Haru-chan? Will you be okay by yourself?" Nagisa broke Haru's train of thought. It was surprising that they didn't fight him more on his decision. Then again nothing about this situation is what they would call normal.

Haru promised he would be fine. Rei took the arm of the blonde, gently coaxing him away from Haru and through the door. Gou gave a weak smile and followed their lead. Off they headed to the room he was too scared to face. What would he feel when he entered? How did Makoto look? What if he hated him...

_Tomorrow. I'll go tomorrow and look Makoto in the eye... _

Haru's chest felt tight. When he found Makoto on that bed he wouldn't open his eyes. His pulse was weak and his fingers had felt cold to the touch. Haru believed that Makoto would never open his eyes again.

_Breathe, Haru. Makoto is alive. _

Haruka hid his face in his hands. The flat of his palms pressed against his eyes in an attempt to quell the burning tears.

* * *

The underclassmen didn't reappear until almost 2 hours later. It didn't feel like it had been that long. Haru had busied himself with reading or watching the television. When all else failed he daydreamed.

"Haruka-senpai, we're going to fetch lunch. Do you want anything?" Gou still had on her smile. She was trying hard not to let her true emotions show.

"No thanks."

"I'll bring you something anyway."

"But Rei-chan," Nagisa was in Rei's grip looking like he had to be dragged away. "I don't want to leave Mako-chan in that ugly, boring room all alone!"

"He won't be all alone, Nagisa-kun. Haruka-senpai will keep him company."

Haru looked up at the mention of his name. His mouth opened a few times and closed tasting the words he wasn't sure he was ready to say.

"Okay."

"Thank you, Haruka-senpai." Rei said after a brief silence. Haru wondered how Rei managed to keep his head straight at a time like this.

Nagisa on the other hand wouldn't be satisfied until he saw Haru actually walk through the door and down the hall. Compliantly, Haru got to his feet and pushed open the wide face of the swinging door. He could still feel Nagisa's puppy dog eyes on him through the heavy metal.

His heart was beating so fast. It pounded in his ears and the smell of sterile hospital became overwhelming. Was there a water fountain nearby? Suddenly his throat was feeling very dry. The tips of his fingernail began digging crescent moons into his palms.

Room B206. Tachibana Makoto. The raised letters of the door confirmed the patient identity.

Haru pressed his ear against the door listening for any activity. The room was almost silent. A steady beeping came from what Haru imagined to be a heart rate monitor. The beeps were soft and gently pulsing, far from erratic. Possibly he could be asleep. No, that's how Makoto always was. Sweet and kind and gentle, it was only fitting his heart did the same. Gathering all the courage he could muster, Haru gripped the knob of the door and let himself in before he changed his mind.

Makoto's room was not as dull as Nagisa made it out to be. Dark from the light not being on but transformed from the gifts of others. The family and all of Makoto's friends had turned the white walled square into an oasis of flowers. They were neatly packed to one corner of the room, right by the sunlight that lazily filtered in. An abstract painting hung opposite. And dead center, Makoto sleeping peacefully in his bed. His brown hair was messy, and the ill-fitting scrub he was wearing had an unpleasant design of polka dots and squares. Makoto's left wrist was covered by the cream coloured blanket but Haruka already knew what was there. He drew in a shaky breath and sat himself down by the head of the patient.

He would wait. And when Makoto woke up they would need to talk.


	7. Monsters Leave At Dawn

_**IMPORTANT PSA:**_

**Before everyone gets on my ass about this story I will need to state a few things: _T__his is not a romance. Self harm is not romantic, poetic, breathtaking or beautiful, and love will not cure mental illness._HOWEVER. Self-harm affects more than the sufferer. Loved ones are deeply involved. While I do ship Makoharu that is not the fixation of the chapter. This is a journey of finding self-love, self-acceptance, and learning to rely on people. Makoto needs Haru to enter, even start _thinking_, about the world of recovery. Thank you. And if you don't ship Makoharu and don't want to see it, just squint real hard, so hard your eyes are almost shut, and turn off your monitor.**

* * *

He didn't have to look to know Haruka was sitting to his left, the energy he radiated familiar and comforting. Likewise, Haruka didn't have to see Makoto open his eyes to know the boy was awake. Feigning sleep was impossible. Sensing this, Makoto let his lashes flutter open. The room was dark. Makoto stared at the blank ceiling, tracing shapes from the textured bumps. Nothing but the hum of the air conditioner broke the silence.

Every face that had visited him this afternoon had been different. Rei held himself stoic, with a subtle sadness and understanding in his actions. Nagisa, despite valiant attempts, got teary eyed and had to leave the room. Gou hid the fact she was even remotely sad with an everyday smile, but red was visible under her eyes when she gave Makoto a hug.

_Recovery. _The doctors pressed the word into conversation so casually. Acting like he was sick and 3 weeks of antibiotics would cure him.

Of course they wouldn't understand. That's why they had him under "suicide watch".

* * *

_"I'm not suicidal", Makoto prompted over and over. _

_"Then why did you try to kill yourself?" _

_"I wasn't trying to kill myself."_

_"You do remember what happened right? You were found with a razor blade and wounds on your forearm that required stitches."_

_"Y-yes I remember! But... I'm-"_

_"You blacked out from blood loss."_

_"Yes, and I didn't mean-"_

_"If you hadn't been found you would've died."_

_"Mhm..." Makoto gave up on their conversation, looking away embarrassed. This wasn't the first conversation they had and he knew it wasn't going to be their last. The white-haired doctor recovered his default smile, etched marks on the clipboard at the foot of Makoto's bed, and left._

* * *

He wasn't trying to die. Not in any way, shape, or form had he possessed the desire to end his own life.

"Makoto..."

"They told me you were the one who called the ambulance."

"Yeah."

It was a monotone exchange. Guilt clawed at the back of Makoto's throat like a hot knife. He tried to swallow it away. This was their first conversation after he had stormed off at the swim club yelling horrible things. Makoto buried the memory into the deepest crevice he could find wishing to cage it in cement forever.

"Makoto." Haruka's voice was insistent. Makoto still did not meet his eye. "You've been hiding this for a long time, haven't you."

Haruka was as blunt as ever. He didn't sugarcoat his speech or tiptoe around a subject. In the fewest words, Haru could ask a question that had more meaning than several session with his doctor would. Though less of a question and more of a statement, Makoto nodded.

"Mhm." _  
_

"And you didn't tell anyone?"

"No." _You were the first one to see._

"Do you want to talk about it now?"

Makoto was silent. He didn't know.

"I... understand."

So he wouldn't force Makoto to speak but he was apt on being near him. What was he thinking? Haru should leave him. Get on with his life. What use was it to stick next to someone who couldn't even die properly?

"Makoto."

"Yes, Haru?"

"Can I... touch you?" Cautiously, Makoto peered to his side, aiming to know what Haru was up to. Usually, he could read those blue eyes like a book. Today, the words were a size two font in a foreign language. Haruka quickly glanced down. Instead he stared down at his own lap, black bangs acting like a shield. For the first time, Makoto noticed Haruka was trembling.

Haruka's hand was creeping close to where Makoto's left arm lay hidden. His fingers continued to shake slightly as they waited for a "yes" or "no".

"Yeah." Makoto almost forgot to say it aloud. He swallowed, shifting his bandaged appendage into view. The slight chill of his friend's hand intertwining in his was nothing compared to the icy sting of shame that was engulfing him. There was no one who would miss the thick gauze taped to his wrist. And when that was removed, there was with great certainty the possibility of permanent scarring. Haruka's grip tightened. Hot, wet drops dripped against his hands.

"Haru... why are you crying?"

The air conditioning kicked on again, humming over his reply. "Because... because..." Sniffling, he didn't continue.

It had been a long while since Makoto had last seen Haruka cry this way. Ten years ago...

* * *

_They were nothing more than little boys on an ocean side. Hand in hand, side-by-side, people in white solemnly proceeded before them. Summer was a time of life. Not this. Not death._

_"H-Haru-chan?"_

_There was a sniff in response. _

_"Why are you crying?"_

_"Because... because Makoto is sad and... and now I feel sad! This is embarrassing but I-I can't make them stop."_

* * *

"Please don't cry anymore." Makoto whispered, and like he had done ten years ago, pressed a kiss to the temple of his sobbing friend in attempt to comfort. "It's okay. I'm sorry..." Haru recoiled at those words.

"No!" Makoto felt the sharpness of the words. He jolted upright still gripping Haru's hand for anchorage. "No, it's not okay." Makoto's green eyes widened searching for answers.

"That's just it Makoto. You always, _always, _put everyone else first. You're always the one apologizing. Taking care of others, taking care of me when my parents left. I ask if you need help and you refuse." Haru lowered his voice before they gathered too much attention. " What about _YOU,_ Makoto? Did you not believe you were important?" Thick tears welled up before following the path of the ones before them. Haru's voice cracked, "I said I would always support you, and I meant it. But I can't help you unless you want to get better." When Haru spoke those words he didn't try to hide his face. He stared Makoto in the eye with all the ferocity one who was crying could muster.

Makoto closed his emerald eyes as the atmosphere dropped.

"Honestly, I didn't. Everything seemed pointless, Haru. Getting up in the morning, showering, eating... feeling empty _every_ day." A sad smile played on his lips and a thumb stroked at the back of his hand urging him to carry on. Haruka wasn't mad, he was trying to kick some sense into his best-friend. Emotions piled up inside of him, each struggling to make their presence known.

"I thought I could handle it, I wanted to be strong. For Ren, Ran... Mom and Dad. You, Nagisa, Rei, Rin, and Gou. I never imagined things to get like this." His voice faltered as he took in a shuttering breath. "I didn't want to die Haru, I didn't! _I don't want to_!" His calm demeanor shattered completely. A lifetime of bottled emotions rattled broad shoulders. A tear fell, "I hate living like this."

Haruka didn't hesitate to pull Makoto close to his own body. The warmth of Makoto was familiar, and while trying to comfort someone else was in turn comforted right back. This was one thing that had been a constant in his life. He would not let Makoto go and he would not let Makoto suffer alone anymore. Makoto returned the hug, hands gripping cloth and face nuzzling into Haru's chest. Brown hair tickled Haruka's ear. Neither made an effort to pull away. Makoto cried as pale hand patted his back soothingly. Haru would stay like this for as long as Makoto needed him to.

* * *

The door creaked open and a red ponytail popped through. Impatiently, a smaller blonde teen pushed way forward. "Mako-ch-!"

"Sh!" A small cold hand shoved it's way into his face instantly quieting him.

"Huh?" Nagisa's eyebrows furrowed at Gou in annoyance, wiping his reddened nose with his sleeve. _He was only saying hi!_ With a finger to her lips she said nothing more and signaled for him to look in the direction she pointed. Nagisa's pink eyes softened in understanding. "Oh... Hmmmm."

Having caught up from tying his shoe, Rei joined them, "Why aren't you going in? What is it-"

"Shhh!" They both turned on Rei at the same time, finger against their lips, eyebrows sternly knitted together.

"Huh?" He backed up and same as Nagisa took a moment before putting the pieces together. The trio admired the sight before them together.

They would always be together, from kindergarten to high school, lunch or the swimming pool, even that small hospital bed with barely enough room. Absorbed in each other's presence nothing else existed. It didn't matter how they looked, both puffy eyed and exhausted. Sleeping on his back, Makoto's chest rose rhythmically. Haruka was on his side, facing Makoto, one hand still clutching Makoto's and his head resting lightly on the muscular shoulders. Haru's expression was the most relaxed it had been in days. His shaking finally ceased. Makoto's glow that had been missing was returned. Barely a flicker in the darkness, but all the same, still there. If they had each other to lean on things truly would turn out just fine.

_In time_.


End file.
